Hot · Girl · in · the · City

Why does the auto save draft feature thingy have to exist? Apparently this is what I was in the middle of writing the last time I attempted an entry:

"I am such a loser! Or at least, I feel like one right now. I never thought I could be so intimidated by someone when I was in my cutest sweater. I realize that the problem may stem from the fact that over the yrs. I've tried to "tone myself down" so to speak..."

That would have been sometime in mid Jan. I think. So many cruel, awful, and lovely things have happened since then. But, right now, I can only think of work....so much work!!!!! I had my fortune read by two different people recently (as a result of TU After Hours - so it's semi-okay) and that's all they saw in my present & future. Wtf man?! I mean, I know it is my last semester at school but still! 

I'd like to think that I don't regret anything in life and that I am always in control of my own destiny but recently it seems like I might be wrong about that. Another thing I'm pondering is why everyone thinks that they can entrust me with so many responsibilities? I can't even keep track of my own personal life, which has been a bit of a roller coaster lately. 

The next two days are going to be such a nightmare. Well, actually, Saturday might not be very good either. Ugh! Four more days until I can find out what I already know - which is that the past is past and some things really do need to stay there. I'm starting to see how we, as human beings, have so much power to harm ourselves wanting things that aren't right for us. Whether its in relationships, the work place, friendships, etc. My mom sent me an e-mail not too long ago (yes, she is finally in the information age) the following passage, which is really here for my memory:  "Algunas veces las situaciones o cosas que pensamos que es lo mejor para nosotros no resulta con un final feliz, pues la verdad Melanie es que no siempre lo que queremos y deseamos en la vida es lo mejor  para nosotros y recuerda que Dios y la Virgen y sus angeles siempre estan velando por ti y tu vida y el te esta evitando una pena mayor, el tiempo apropiado para ti llegara no te desesperes siempre el regalo mas precioso tarda un poquito en llegar pero esta alli a la vuelta, todo mi amor tu mama BUEN DIA SONRIE LLENA TU MENTE Y CORAZON DE SENTIMIENTOS POSITIVOS Y PROYECTATE HACIA EL EXITO!" It basically states that not everything that we want in life is the best thing for us and that the most precious gifts always take a little longer to receive and that they do come. 

That being the case, I need to calm down, focus on school/work & think positive thoughts for Saturday when I meet my emotional equivalent to the crash of '29.

It was bad enough that I might fail a bs Spanish literature class but now comp. science? WTF?? After spending about eight hours yesterday finishing a website I learned that I couldn't turn it in. Some problem with the library computer and I couldn't log in to FrontPage so I wasn't able to post the thing on blackboard. What is a girl to do? I e-mailed my prof. but he basically said that I have to figure it out. Great. Now its back to the library to see how much of my work I can salvage and turn in. Anyone wanna switch places?  

I can't fail two classes and then barely pass two others. And the thing that I hate the most is that this happens to me after I've been working my butt off.

But, on the bright side, I have a new & pretty icon!

Cannot wait for some good news.

Hm, what to make of the past few weeks?

Lately, I've realized just how much emotional baggage I tend to carry around with me. It has only proved to work against me...

My classes aren't really what I expected them to be and I'm soo behind in my assignments.

I'm currently being faced with a lot of challenges - too many I think to deal with at once.

And then there's the elephant in the room that I keep trying to avoid...the source of all my pain and agony, as of late. I can't help but be so vague about all of this because as much as I want to get it out, there are still many things that I haven't been able to admit to yet.

Oh boy, must stay positive, must stay positive, must stay positive.

I'm in a total daze - Shit keeps happening to prevent me from moving forward.

The absolute most trivial problems keep cropping up around me an I can't figure out why.

What the Fuck!?

I got back to Towson Saturday afternoon - just in time for my retreat Sunday. It's super early in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep due to my anxiety. I'm currently facing the daunting task of having to be cheery, happy, and a serious go-getter for the next 6 days. What could be better? Sooo sleepy.

Apparently the leadership retreat is out in rural Delaware (Wtf?). It makes no sense. As much as I still don't feel like going I know it's for my own good. Cause it's obvious that I can't do anything on my own on this campus that relates, in any way, shape, or form to student activism. I hate that this has to happen the week before school starts but, it is what it is. Hopefully this will distract me long enough so that I can avoid other topics I'm trying not to obsess about.

I can only imagine what I'm gonna look like lugging my bags up a damn hill and straight to the campus (30 min. walk to the loading docks). It doesn't make sense to me to call up friends that live as close as 15-20 min away just to drive me up the street...since there's no one on campus yet. Oh well, que sera, sera.

How will I possibly stand to be in near total seclusion for 6 whole days??!! And there's only a slight chance that I'll be able to use my phone at night - only after 11PM and in a room full of nine other girls. So, talk about privacy. I dunno, it's no big thing but this retreat is sorta coming at a bad time.

Just as soon as I start to freak out about this I try an calm myself down, but it's no real use.

Im nin'alu
Dal thae na di vim
Dal thae na di vim
Dal thae ma rom
Im nin'alu

Staring up into the heavens
In this hell that binds your hands
Will you sacrifice your comfort
Make your way in a foreign land

Wrestle with your darkness
Angels call your name
Can you hear what they are saying
Will you ever be the same

Mmmmmm
Im nin'alu, Im nin'alu
Mmmmmm
Im nin'alu, Im nin'alu

Remember, remember, never forget
All of your life has all been a test
You will find the gate that's open
Even though your spirit's broken

Open up my heart
And cause my lips to speak
Bring the heaven and the stars
Down to Earth for me

Im nin'alu
Dal thae na di vim

El hai
El hai maromam 'al karuvim
Kolam baruchu ya'alu

Wrestle with your darkness
Angels call your name
Can you hear what they are saying
Will you ever be the same

El hai
El hai maromam 'al karuvim

The generous truly know
What will be given
Even if it does stop, you know
The gates of heaven are always open
And there's this God in the sky and the angels
How they sit, you know, in front of the light
And that's what it's about*

1. Brokeback Mountain won two of the most important awards tonight: Best Director and Best Dramatic Film. It was very amusing to see one Mr. Clint (extremely conservative and uncomfortable looking) Eastwood hand the award to Ang Lee.

2. LOST won too!!! Hurray!

3. Chile elected its first female head of state on Sunday.

4. In the same vain, Liberia also has its first female President. *beams*

5. Oprah's new book club novel is Elie Wiesel's "Night" (One of my favorite books from high school).

6. German chancellor, Angela Merkel, openly defied President Bush in a recent news conference in which she stated, "An institution like Guantanamo can and should not exist in the longer term. Different ways and means must be found for dealing with these prisoners."

7. A close friend of mine just got accepted to go to Palestine this summer!!! Soooo excited for her! Unfortunately, she still has a lot of money to raise and she will need sponsors, but I have faith that it will work out.

8. My leadership retreat is only six days away. Although, I am becoming increasingly worried that I won't be able open myself up enough to get the most out of the experience. :(

9. Obsessed with the new Madonna album. Similar occurrence as with Love. Angel. Music. Baby. :)

10. On that note, I also returned to my love of Starsailor.

Honorary Mention: In final Golden Globe news, "Paradise Now" won in the best foreign film category (which pleases me immensely). It's been described as “Munich’s” counterpart and it's a very brave film, as opposed to merely being considered controversial. I can imagine a lot of American's squirming in their seats when director Hany Abu-Assad said that he saw the Golden Globe as recognition that the Palestinians deserve their liberty and equality unconditionally". Dunno, that just caught my eye.

Okay, so I finally decided that tomorrow is the day that I see Dan. I've been delaying it for almost a week, for a completely reasonable excuse (due to my illness)...and yet, I have a feeling that he thought I was just wasting his time. You know, lying and postponing for the fun of it. Grrr. He sounded weird when I talked to him today and after being available all week, suddenly he's busy. All signs point to an idiot me. Too much stressing over this. Hopefully I'll be better once I get this over with. All the "delays" have made me question whether or not I actually want to see him again. Friends say, "Oh, it'll be fine! Don't worry about it!". But they're not the ones who are faced with the agony of possible rejection.

This is utterly tragic.

Why would anyone put themselves in this position??!! Why?! I mean I feel fine now but due to recent developments, I've been under some added stress, and now I look like I just stormed the beaches of Normandy.

Note to self for Friday's meeting:

Speak clearly, don't stammer, don't let mind go blank, be energetic, and remember talking points. Oh, and be nice.

Great, I am now faced with the prospect of blissful pain. Hope he enjoys it as much as I do.

What do you do when an old friend wants to get together after 4 years?

Well, the answer is quite simply: you meet up.

But, I can't help having my doubts. A million "what ifs" are swirling through my mind and I can't stop worrying.

A mere sample:
What if he doesn't like me?
What if it's awkward?
What if I sound strange?
What if he thinks I've changed for the worst?
What if I say something stupid?
What if I'm not interesting enough?
What if I'm not what he expected?
What if...what if...what if...?

And the worst part about it? I have to call him. See, that right there should make me wanna back out. What do I say? It's been 3 years since I've even heard his voice! Aw, man...this is too weird for me.

My heart is pounding at the *thought* of having to see him again.

Honestly, Daniel Day-Lewis had it all right when he decided not to see Michelle Pfeiffer again, after all those years, and just preserve the memory he had of her. And now I have to pretend that I've had an amazing life filled with accomplishments, which can only add up to a brighter future. If only I didn't have that panic that I get when seeing people from high school after all this time. Ana has a great boyfriend; a committed relationship, Esti went to Europe!, Katie lost all that weight, Pati...well, she has everything going for her, Tracy has a baby on the way, and Jo has a solid foundation of support, good grades, the works! And what have I got to show for my last 2 years of high school and almost 3 years of college?!

What to do, what to do? I should just call. But...I don't want to call too soon although, I can't wait forever.

I'm rather stuck at the moment.

Your 2005 Song Is

Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson "But since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time I'm so moving on" In 2005, you moved on.

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

Your 80s Heartthrob Is

Michael J. Fox

You Are a Tomboy

You're having too much fun to bother with nail polish and crazy diets. Guys are instead impressed by how much you know and do!

A Michael J. Fox loving tomboy who might do well in London, and listens to Kelly Clarkson...Alrighty! Three outta four ain't bad.

I am now preparing myself for battle. Currently loading up on presents and ammunition. Guh. Sometimes I really hate the holidays. I'm leaving for my uncle's house in a few minutes to celebrate Christmas and already its off to a semi bad start. I didn't have the patience to find a decent "Christmas outfit" so I am now stuck with some preppy ass get up. Ah well. I so wish someone could whisk me away right now - hm, I think I just found out what I wanted for Christmas. All this holiday stuff is just so frivolous. I'm up to my ears in gift wrapping and "Let it snow" junk. I would really just like to spend one Christmas away from here, like in Africa or something. Seriously, my time would be better spent volunteering with Doctors Without Borders, or a group of that nature, doing things that really count. Haha, I was thinking of Rachel Dratch and how I'm so Debbie Downer. It just pisses me off how people can be so absorbed in truffles and cakes and pretty napkins...

Anywho, >in a cheery voice< off to spend another joyous evening with the fam.

Proceeds to put on helmet.

Double *semi* Victory!

Patriot Act:

Associated Press: "In a stinging defeat for President Bush, Senate Democrats blocked passage Friday of a new Patriot Act to combat terrorism at home, depicting the measure as a threat to the constitutional liberties of innocent Americans. Republicans spurned calls for a short-term measure to prevent the year-end expiration of law enforcement powers first enacted in the anxious days after Sept. 11, 2001. "The president will not sign such an extension," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., and lawmakers on each side of the issue blamed the other for congressional gridlock on the issue".

The Senate voted 52-47 to advance a House-passed bill to a final vote, eight short of the 60 needed to overcome the filibuster backed by nearly all Senate Democrats and a handful of the 45 Republicans.

"We can come together to give the government the tools it needs to fight terrorism and protect the rights and freedoms of innocent citizens," said Sen. Russell Feingold, D-Wis., arguing that provisions permitting government access to confidential personal data lacked safeguards to protect the innocent.

"During debate, several Democrats pointed to a New York Times report that Bush had secretly authorized the National Security Agency to eavesdrop on individuals inside the United States without first securing permission from the courts".

On a separate issue, the House called for the Bush administration to give Congress details of secret detention facilities overseas. The vote was 228-187.

Prisoners Debate:

NYTimes: "Congressional negotiators worked out the final details on Friday of a bill that bans torture of detainees in U.S. custody, but also allows evidence obtained by coercion to be used against prisoners at Guantanamo Bay".

"Human rights advocates said they scored a big win when President George W. Bush reluctantly accepted Sen. John McCain's amendment to require humane treatment of detainees".

"Rights groups said the amendment was a step backward and would weaken enforcement of McCain's protections at Guantanamo".

Amnesty Press Release: "President Bush’s statement clearly demonstrates that he recognizes the importance of holding people legally responsible for violating international and U.S. law. Any ban on torture can only be truly realized if there is accountability for those involved in such acts. Language or actions that would provide cover to guilty parties through legal mumbo-jumbo must be rejected".

*Despite what some people may say, this is NOT a step back. The acceptance of McCain's amendment puts us further than we were a year ago in the fight against torture in Guantanamo and abroad. The fact that it is still going to be difficult to allow any kind of legal services for detainees remains. Although, this merely signifies that the fight is not over.

Yeah, been waitin’ all day for this.

On a side note, finals are officially over and I am now free from the chains of academia. :)

Since I need to be typing an essay right now, I figured I'd get myself into the grove by starting to just type - anything. >See: Finding Forrester<

I have just dubbed "Charlie" with his new title of Sir Charles. He claims to get all teary eyed*
How very sweet.

My latest addiction (since I have so many unhealthy ones):

This one goes out to a tragic figure I know >Gee, that just made me feel like Casey Kasem!<

Lyrics:
I don't know why
You want to follow me tonight
When the rest of the world
With whom I've crossed and I've quarreled
Let's me down so
For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

Chandler and Van Nuys
With all the vampires and their brides
We're all bloodless and blind
And longing for a life
Beyond the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry
I'm standing in the street
Crying out for you
No one sees me
But the silver moon

So far away
So outer space
I've trashed myself
I've lost my way
I've got to get to you

*See below for music info.
**Hint: the video was directed by my future husband. :)

I think I'm starting to see things that aren't really there. So tired an still studying cause I really want to make this semester count. Despite the tendency I have to throw in the towel right at the very end....Oh my God - please let this be over! I could so do with a good night's sleep. Although, I got a semi decent amount a couple o' days ago but it was interrupted by one wacky dream after another. Like the one where I had a phone interview with Cameron Crow over every single pop culture reference in Vanilla Sky. I think I appreciate that movie more each time I watch it. But anyways, it was very weird. *Yawn. I'm so worried I'm going to get a 'B' in my geo. class - cause its just such a bs course.

Hm, the end of another year...what to think of it...I was trying to come up with one word to sum up each month, but I really can't recall that far back anymore. Maybe when I'm more lucid.

I currently have a large mattress in my living room cause someone thought I needed a bigger bed. An until I can....oh! I think there's a full moon....um, until I can move it into my room its just gonna stay in here for the next month or so. I've come to the conclusion that I have some sort of syndrome that pushes me to listen to really lame pop songs. Case in point, Lindsey Lohan. Why?! It must be the subliminal messages that tell me to keep replaying these songs.

Uh huh, so I took a break from a 3 hr study session 2 hrs ago...nice.

So, I had the pleasure of removing all of the snow off my car for the first time tonight. I've never driven in snow before but, I guess I'll find out what it's like soon...

I watched the ending of "The Way We Were" yesterday. I know I proly shouldn't of cause it always brings me down. I'm like, >sobs< "Why can't they be together?!". "The Age of Innocence" is another one that gets me - oh! and "The English Patient". I saw it like, 20 times over Winter Break last year. But then again, there were other ones, when I was a kid, such as "Mary Poppins". Yikes, that movie depressed the hell outta me when I was in elementary school. I have no clue why....

Since I'm reminiscing, I realized how much Megan from the "Wake Up Wakefield" reminds me of myself when I was in middle school. Instead of Randy Goldman, it was **** for three long years....shucks, can't even say his name. Anyways! I just found out that a friend of mine from hs in newly single. Don't know how I feel about that....actually, very relieved. He was with the chick for at least 8 months. I thought he would marry her cause I know quite a few ppl that are getting married at my age...an even having kids. It's just weird that all of those changes have already started. Although, I don't have to feel bad about it until I'm 30 or so...Yay! 10 more years. Oy, might see Walk the Line on Wednesday....

Okay, I know I should be reading for my English class right now but.......

Jeff Koons is on the new Sundance show, "Iconoclasts" and its given me a new respect for pop art. Now, I haven't been one to negate contemporary works, because I try to be open minded about these things but in the end, art is in the eye of the beholder. I was surprised to know that Koons references very mainstream artists like Warhol, Dali, Duchamp, and Lichtenstein. The trouble with this episode is that Tom Ford, former designer for Gucci, is the one giving the interview. This man could not be more pretentious, and in the beginning it seemed natural for him to ask whether or not Koons was being sincere or if he was just full of shit when it comes to his work. But, this comes from someone who fills his house with Pollock paintings and Alexander Calder pieces. Remember, its abstract. And besides, does it really matter? I'm glad that Koons brought it back to "the dialogue" and its importance - how the audience reacts, rather than only focusing on "is it authentic?".

Anyway, I can't wait until the Christiane Amanpour episode!

Okay, back to work.

Oh my goodness!!!

So, tonight was Sigma Delta Pi's big "Viva Colombia" event and it was well......a little boring to start. But towards the end I got to know Maria, a girl I went to high school with, a bit better. And boy did that pay off! >Phew!< She just happened to introduce me to one of hottest guys I've ever seen in my life. I mean whoa! I just came back from seeing him an I'm still reeling from that experience. Maria gave me a lift back to my apartment after we finished cleaning up and the event came to a close. So, she just happened to stop by his house before dropping me off...this girl has been talking about this guy (whose name I can't even say because I'll prob. scream) >In the background: "Oh my gosh, he's so cute!!!"< and she talked about him nonstop. He and his roommate are from Guatemala (the capital) and they are so sweet. Okay, this is really a sad and pointless update but all this had to be mentioned!
At one point the "hot one" asked what classes I was taking and I seriously couldn't remember. I listed like, 4 I think, before my mind went blank. An I still can't remember the other classes I'm taking! An to meet not just one, but two! really nice Guatemalan boys that don't look Mayan or that don't pretend to be thugs is very rare.
But anyway, I really have to try and sleep now, although I don't think thats possible at this point.

Wow. And I haven't said anything about the Brazilian guy that sat at our table....hello! Oh my lord!>gasp!<
and the guy that looked like Alejandro Sanz, c'mon now. Okay, okay, that's enough.

Sigh, too perfect.

I know I haven't updated that much since.....last semester and I might have some weird ass posts but here goes another one.

I feel like such shit right now. I know I shouldn't complain but I seriously can't get anything done up here.

Wow, I've lost any kind of motivation that I might have had. An I'm really not solving any of my problems so they are just mounting at this point - one after another, after another. So, its time for me to fess up cause things are no longer as great as I made them out to be. It's funny that ppl's answer to my misery is for me to drink but it didn't turn out so wonderful the last time...so yeah, don't think I can do that. Besides, in Frostburg that alternative is always so much more amusing because, well, there's nothing else to do. Fuck!

I don't wish I was back in Frostburg but I still feel like I'm missing something.

I was thinking about getting a dog. But, that really wouldn't solve any of my problems, now then would it? I went to White Marsh today with Danielle and Nick an we stopped by a pet store an I really just wanted to buy one of those little puppies. When, in reality, I know that it would just be another thing to deal with. For one I wouldn't be home, I don't have a lot of patience, blah blah blah...

Lenora, why couldn't you be here to share your liquor!? I better never catch you drinking alone!!! You never know when I could make a surprise visit.

And by the way, while I'm at it, Nikki and I came to the conclusion that you Daniel are The Man. An you know why I say that too. An not in the "good sense"....
So, if you'd like to respond, lemme just remind you that I'm in a very delicate condition right now.

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Gorgeous Herbalist. Where You Lived: Saudi Arabia. How You Died: Typhoid fever.

Romantic, eh?

Your Hawaiian Name is:

Oliana Nana

Very amusing. I shall hence forth only be known by this name.

You fit in with: Buddhism Your ideals mostly resemble those of the Buddhist faith. Spirituality is the most important thing in your life. You strive to live by all of your ideals, and live a very intellectually focused life. 20% spiritual. 20% faith-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com